Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
