You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
