don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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