I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
