Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
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