I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
