I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
