I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Randomize
