Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
thus making me awesome and them whores
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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