Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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