Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
A bitchslap is in order.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
