Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
