Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
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