No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
