He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
