i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
