I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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