So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
