that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
