there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
