At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Randomize
