When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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