My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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