I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
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