so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
