Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
