Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
