The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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