I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
