you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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