i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
