My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
