My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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