did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I can tuck mytits in my pants
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
