So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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