shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I need to calm my uterus...
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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