I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
