I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
