By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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