I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
