I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
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