I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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