Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
