I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
