I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
