I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Someone signed my nipple.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
