I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
