I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
