i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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