Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
