I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
