He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i think my mom watched the whole time
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
