nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
