Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
